To bring in celebrities
To drive ticket sales up
That was in 1995
Our thirty-third season
And we were opening
With Burn This
So she brings in this guy
Who’s name I’m not allowed to say
To play the straight guy in the play
Except he’s not straight
Not in real life anyway
And I know this
Because the gay guy in the play
Is actually gay
And he and the straight guy
Were hooking up
The gay guy was from the local college
Samantha got the brilliant idea
That when we needed younger actors
We should just import them
As acting interns
What I remember about them
Is that they always had funny names
Juve (pronounced Shwa-Vay)
Noble, Crinkle, Maybella
Nifty, Knock, and Angela Bassett
I kid you fucking not
So anyway, I’m in this show
With this kid
Who’s now madly in love with this celebrity
Who’s not supposed to be gay
And the next thing I know
One day, I’m signing a contract
Saying I will never, ever tell anybody
About anything that happened
During that production
But hey, I’m not saying the guy’s name
Not that you can’t Google
Burn This
Orpheus Theater
1995
But that’s up to you
The show did sell
Samantha was thrilled
And because I was the only member of the acting company
In the show
Everybody was patting my back
As if I did anything
But show up everyday
I remember at the pub
One night after the show
The celebrity and I were hanging out
And he asked me how I thought he did
In the show
I said—‘You kidding me?’
He said—‘Nope.’
I said—‘You sucked.’
He said—‘You kidding me?’
I said—‘Nope.’
And I ordered him another drink
I told him when you limit the amount of yourself
You give to the audience
What you’re really doing
Is limiting how far you can take your abilities
Or some shit like that
That I read in some bullshit book
By a guy whose name I can’t remember
I didn’t think it would have
All that big of an impact on him
But a year later
He gave up film acting
Moved to North Dakota
And started a theater there
Oh, and the kid with the funny name
Went with him
And they adopted twins
Which is, apparently
What the gays are doing now
Me?
I kept right on doing what I was doing
Every once in awhile
Somebody will ask me
What it was like
Working with a famous movie star
And I tell ‘em
He was the best lover
I ever had
Hey, why not, right?
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