The Balcony

We did The Balcony

In 1997

To open the thirty-fifth season

I was young then

But then again

I’m still young now

Eternal immaturity

I used to have trouble projecting

That was always the thing

I’d be speaking so loudly

And people would still be saying

‘We can’t hear you

We can’t hear you’

Samantha, the Artistic Director

Was my mentor

I took an acting class with her

And she sort of decided to help me

She gave me a role

In The Balcony

And tried to get me

Up to par

But, it never really happened

‘Not everybody’s meant for the theater I guess’

That’s what I said to her

The truth is

I desperately wanted

To be meant for the theater

I tried so hard to speak up

But then I’d go home

And everybody was so quiet

If you talked loud at my house

They stared at you

Like there was something wrong

Like you were wrong

So most of the time

I just…kept quiet

I remember Samantha taking me aside one night

Taking me up to the roof of the theater

And saying—‘Scream, okay?  Just scream.’

So I screamed

I thought I screamed, but—

It’s just…

God, why do I feel so ashamed about this?

Nothing came out

I guess I was…empty

Samantha never really surrendered

When it came to me

I just pushed myself away from her

I went to college

Got a nice little degree in art history

And now I spend a lot of time

In museums

Where silence is valued

I feel…fuller now

Maybe that’s because I have a daughter

But I still haven’t screamed, you know?

I’m still scared to find out

If it’s possible that now

I might have that in me

Or if…

If it’s still just empty

If I’m still missing

My voice