What I Used to Say When I Was Straight

I don't like labels
I don't like being labeled
I don't like being called something
I don't like this and that
Being put on men

Like we're this
We're that
We're this way
We're that way

I don't like talking about
My private life

These are things I used to say
Before I'd just come out
And say I was gay

I don't like fashion
I can't be gay

I don't like Madonna
(I did)
I can't be gay

I can't see myself
Being married to a man

(That's a clue.  It's something unsaid.
It's 'I can see myself
Having sex
With a man)

I'd lower my voice
And declare my love for boobs

(As if gay men can't appreciate boobs)

I'd check my stance
Straighten up (ironic, huh?)
Cough and say
I'd be fine with being gay
But I'm not

See?  --I'm putting it out there
I'm defusing the situation
A gay man would hide
A gay man wouldn't put it out there like that
He'd be ashamed
Wouldn't he?

I didn't dance like nobody was watching
I only danced when nobody was watching

And I watched

I watched my hands
I watched my tone
I watched my words

Nobody's ever stared at their words
As hard as I have
While they were still
Sitting on the line in my mind
Getting cold
Before going to service

People say I sounded happier after I came out
Why wouldn't I?
My words were warm now
My ideas were still fresh

Nothing was picked over
And censored
And sent out of my mouth
Stripped-dry structures of what they once were

I wore fear like bad cologne
Lies like new shoes
And everything was a costume
Everything

All the world's a stage
And yet
I was my own understudy

Never allowed to go on
Unless the lead got sick
With the truth

What I used to say when I was straight
Was nothing of note
Nothing that held weight
Sank or swam
Made an impression
Carried itself
Past the moment of no return
When I finally said--

'I'm brave enough
To say
I've lied'

And then held that bravery out
To everyone I knew
To see if they would take it
Upon themselves
And accept me

Or leave it
Right where it was

Everything I've said
Since then
Has been something new
Sometimes things
I didn't even think of before

Like--

Well...

I question what my favorite things
Really are

Because I had to adopt false favorite things
That would support
My chosen persona

Every word can just come out
It doesn't have to wait
To be verified

Every opinion is untested
Every statement unstructured
Everything is so
Damn
Delicate

And yet it all sounds better
The way food tastes better
After you stop smoking

Except some miss the smoking
I don't miss looking at the sky
And saying 'it's blue'

Or saying the sky doesn't like labels
Or the sky like its private life
Or the sky isn't the sky

Maybe I wasn't as obvious
As the color of the sky
But something tells me
I was

We can't deny the sky
And yet we can deny ourselves

Isn't that something?

Of all the things you say
Sometimes the things you say to yourself
Stick to your lungs like honey
While everyone else is busy forgiving you
Accepting you

Saying, 'It's okay.  It all washed off'

All those words
Didn't stain

They fell like something dropped
On a hardwood floor

But the honey you can still taste

The honey's still sticking to you
Long, long after
The sky decides
It's time to be
Tonight