True West

I was never supposed to tell this story

This is, like—I’m not supposed to be telling you this

But I’m dead, so whatever

Most of us are

I haven’t been dead all that long

But that’s not the point

The point is, when you’re dead

The first thing you do

Is unload all your secrets

So here’s my secret:

In 1980, the Orpheus Theater started that stupid Education Alliance

That continues to this day

It’s won awards

It’s taught kids about art

It’s so wonderful—blah blah blah

Truth is, everyone who started that program

Wanted to put a gun to their heads

As soon as they realized what they got themselves into

Especially Beau, our Artistic Director

The whole thing was the Board’s idea

Because they wanted to do outreach stuff

Beau said if you want to teach kids about theater

You have them DO theater

That’s when he got this brilliant idea

To have high school students

Help out with shows

Like some sort of apprenticeship

Which is theater terminology

For slave labor

So he goes out and finds this gorgeous

Seventeen-year-old girl

To help out with our production of True West

Now I’d like to stress that she was seventeen

But I’d also like to stress that she was not eighteen

And if you think my confession is that I slept with her

Then you’re wrong

I tried to sleep with her

But she wasn’t having it

Instead, she slept with the guy playing my brother

And he and I got into it one night

Backstage

He said screw it

Got in his car

Put the girl in the passenger’s seat

And drove off

Nobody ever saw him or her again

And I had to go before the Board

To tell them what happened

So what did I say?

I told them I had an affair with her

That the two of us did

Me and the guy playing my brother

And that she chose him

But that she and I had still…

Well

That’s my secret

I lied about an affair

I never actually had

That got me thrown out of the company

And pretty much run out of town

Why?

Because everybody in that damn theater was saying

I made a fool out of myself chasing after that girl

But once she was gone

Who was going to tell anybody

That I hadn’t gotten her?

I mean, what does it say about a man

When he can’t even convince a seventeen-year-old girl

That he’s fun and interesting?

I went into theater for the girls

To get attention

To get laid

And it never happened

It never fucking happened, you know that?

Never

Pardon my—whatever

Yeah, it cost me my job

That lie

And yeah, it’s making some of you look at me right now

Like I’m some kind of pervert

But you know what?

When I walked out of that board meeting

And out of that theater

Every guy I walked by

Every single actor in that company

Applauded me

Oh, not with their hands

But with their eyes

I could feel it

And for the first time in my life

I felt like an actor

Like a real, goddamn actor