A Big Old Hot Mess Christmas Spectacular

-- I had to do it. --

"A Big Old Hot Mess Christmas Spectacular"

Okay, everyone!

Welcome to the auditions
For 'Pole Dancing: A Social Christmas Satire'

Times are tough
And all of Santa's elves
Have been forced to become strippers
Male and female
In order to survive the recession
And make enough cash
To afford their North Pole duplexes

Now, I know what many of you are saying--

'Hey, you're a choreographer!
What do you know about writing a Christmas spectacular?'

Kids, I know how to tap dance

...What else is there?

I don't want to hear any Donnie or Didi Doubters here today
Is that understood?

Otherwise you'll sound like those people who say
That dance isn't everything

CLEARLY dancing is everything

Anyone can sing, act, crochet, bake muffins, and fuse atoms
But DANCING?

That's difficult

And no, I do not plan on over-choreographing this
And do you know why?
Because there is NO SUCH THING as over-choreographing ANYTHING

Oh sure

Some people may say
That I went a little overboard
When I added a jazz combo
Into 'Les Miserables'

But c'mon
Tell me that show wasn't a snoozefest
Until MY dancers came downstage center
And saved it
By executing my moves?

But now, kids
We're saving something bigger
We're saving Christmas
And the world
At the SAME TIME!

Our show will move people
It will show them that the world is impoverished
And that reindeer have nipples
It'll defy societal norms
And end with an eighteen person kickline!

QUICK! SOMEBODY CALL TOMMY TUNE!
I'M ABOUT TO PUT HIM OUT OF BUSINESS!

Look at you all
With your doubting eyes

Who are you to question my judgment?

Do you have a Master's Degree...in Accounting?

BECAUSE I DO!

I'm also the head of Dance2DaMusic
A very prestigious dance organization
Founded by yours truly

Two more members
And we'll actually have enough people
To form a board!

Of which I will be President!

Before I go any further
I should point out those of you
Who need to lose weight

I will not have fat snowmen in this show

I don't care if Santa's jolly
Santa's not a professional
He's a perv who goes down more than chimneys

AND he doesn't dance

Which means he's not in the show

Only dancing Christmas characters are in the show

Like...

...um...

Did that gay little elf from the Rudolph movie dance?

Well, we'll make up NEW characters

Dancing Christmas characters
Who do more than step, touch, step, touch
And have something to say about showing your genitalia
So you can put an Xbox underneath the tree

This show is going to be quality
Because I'm all over it

You want to hear something funny?

Writing lyrics wasn't even that hard

All I did was take copyrighted Christmas music
And illegally changed the lyrics

That's right; I said 'illegally'

You know who follows the law?
Not artists, I'll tell you that much, kids

I never knew I had a talent for music
But listen to this--

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Stripper
Had a very shiny nose
And if you saw him stripping
You'd yell out...uh...

THERE HE GOES!

See? Nothing to it!

Okay, let's get this audition started

And remember
I want to see holiday spirit up there
I want to see warmth, love, kindness
And general goodwill

So first thing we're going to do
Is put you all into groups
Pit you against each other
And then wait three weeks to post the cast list
So you'll all suck up to me
For as long as possible

Five--Six--Seven--Eight!