Top Ten Reasons I Can't Believe You Love Him

-- I missed Dillon's character from the first "Top Ten" so much that I decided to write another piece about him. That's all. --

"Top Ten Reasons I Can't Believe You Love Him"

1) He talks about poop. Like, while he's courting you. He discusses poop. Like it's a thing. Like it's a thing you can talk about--"Oh, I pooped today. Isn't that funny?" And you laugh. I used to write down things on index cards to joke about with you. I used to note everything that I thought would make you laugh. I used to study funny movies and treasure any inside joke the two of us could have. And never, ever, did it occur to me, in my wildest dreams, that poop would make you laugh. You, an intelligent and witty girl who quotes Noel Coward and Dorothy Parker. You who sneers at someone if they don't use a semi-colon correctly. You who is considered to be the olympics of courtship--you laughed at poop. Well, guess what? I poop too. We all poop. EVERYBODY POOPS! So there. You want me to talk about it? I'm talking about it. You want to hear a knock knock joke about it? Knock, knock--Who's there?--Poop--Poop who?--Poop...uh...Me! I'm Poop! Okay, I need to work on that one. Nevertheless, I can't believe you love someone who talks about poop.

2) His stupid face. He has a stupid face. It's not ugly. It's not unattractive--I mean, I wouldn't know because I don't find men attractive, but based on symmetry and overall public opinion--it's stupid. He's got that huge forehead, and those beady little eyes, and those giant teeth that look like Stonehenge and overall it's just a really stupid face. And you love that face. You looked at that face and said--"Him! I must have him!" Are you attracted to giant teeth? Do you love giant foreheads? Have I been going wrong all these years when I've been staring at myself in the mirror wondering if you'd love me if I'd just gotten braces as a kid and got rid of my glasses? Apparently not! Apparently you're only into guys who look like they should get a job ringing a bell in a cathedral! Why do you love him? Why? WHY? WHYYYY?

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3) He smells. He looks like he smells anyway, and that's bad enough. Maybe all that poop talk is starting to get to him. He looks like he smells like old mac and cheese when you leave some of it in the bowl then leave it in the sink and put some water in it and after two days it turns an off-yellow and you avoid walking into your kitchen because you're too scared to be near it. He looks like he smells like that plus cheap cologne plus b.o. plus ferret ass plus the monkey pit at the zoo plus that spot in front of the dumpster that smells like the dumpster plus olive oil. That's what he smells like and I can't believe you lay in bed next to him and don't vomit.

4) His name is lame. What kind of a name is Josh Jamorro? It sounds like that guy in high school who's just always around everywhere. I hated that guy. I don't understand people who are known strictly for the fact that they have the same hard consonant beginning both their first and last name. In my high school it was Tim Trimmer. You shouldn't love someone named Tim Trimmer. You should MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE named Tim Trimmer...or Josh Jamorro! You really want to be Mrs. Josh Jamorro? Why don't you just marry the center square on Hollywood Squares? That's where a Josh Jamorro belongs! Not inside your heart!

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5) The way you met. Through a friend...whoopee. Call Nora Ephron, I think we have a blockbuster on our hands. You don't meet your soulmate THROUGH A FRIEND! You meet your soulmate, and then they spend years trying to win you over with poems, grand gestures, obstacles, fights, top ten lists, acts of unthinkable stupidity, dancing in fountains, relationships with the wrong people, trips, triumphs, tragedies, and bad Halloween costumes. You and I have so much history together. That means when we finally agree to stop this ridiculous hard-to-get tango (or rather, when you stop, since you're sort of who I'm waiting on here) we'll have so many stories already behind us. What stories do you have with this guy? "We met through a friend, he told me about his poop, and now we're in love." Gosh, won't your grandkids be thrilled.

6) All your friends love him. What kind of a romance is that? Did all of Juliet's friends love Romeo? Was everybody just pleased as punch when Tristan and Isolde decided cupid's arrow had struck them? No great love story looks like the one you and J.J. Jerkoff have going on right now. Now, you and I--that's a love story. Your friends think you and I would be completely wrong for each other. They think we'd never last. They laugh at the very thought of us together. THAT is a love story! You and Jerkoff adore each other and everybody supports your love--if love stories looked like yours, then there wouldn't be country music! There wouldn't be daytime soap operas! There wouldn't be Elizabeth Taylor!

7) He's never seen Clue. Need I say more?

8) He's never done a tenth of the stuff for you that I've done. He's never baked you muffins with your initials on top written with strawberry frosting. He's never changed your tires--or done it incorrectly and paid to have it done right after the fact. He's never gone to New York and brought you back seventeen snow globes because he couldn't figure out which one you'd like the best. He's never memorized whole episodes of Arrested Development just because he knows it's your favorite show. I'm talking about the little things here. All he's done is look your way and you're sold? I think you need to look at those seventeen snow globes--assuming you kept them--and decide if this is really the river you want to be sailing your boat down.

9) He's not even the best of the exes. I know, I know--when I started this list you thought to yourself, 'Oh, he's said the same thing about all the other guys,' but that's not true! To prove it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that all the other guys you've dated, who you no longer speak to and who no longer pose a threat to me in anyway, were MUCH better for you than this guy. Still not as good for you as I could be, but significantly better than Johnny Jackass. And if those guys didn't work out, what chance does this guy have?

10) Number ten is not so much one thing, as a number of little things--some of them are things I actually do believe. I believe he thinks about you every day, but I don't believe he sees you in things the way I do. I believe he makes you laugh, but I don't believe he sees a funny cartoon in the New Yorker and sees that you'd get it even when he wouldn't. I believe he's probably kissed you watching a sunset somewhere, but I don't believe he sees snow on a city street and sees you in a smart looking coat with your hands in your pockets heading to your favorite coffee shop. Even if I could believe that you love him, I couldn't believe that it means I should give up on you. I don't believe that I spent all these years chasing you for nothing. I don't believe that I can be this hurt and despondent and still not want to surrender if I wasn't one hundred percent sure we're going to wind up together someday. I believe he'll be there for the sunsets, but will he be there for the snow? Anyway, here's my list of reasons why you shouldn't love him. I sure hope your reasons for loving him make up a much longer list. Because my list for you? It's endless. Truly endless.