The Villain Sells His Lair

Over there is the wall of buttons

You know, like in the movies
When there’s a button
That the villain pushes
To destroy the world?

Well, sometimes you feel like destroying the world with a green button
Sometimes a red button
Sometimes a striped button
And you want options
You really do

So I have a different button
For every sort of world destruction

I’ve never pushed any of them
Because I always get my plot foiled
But I still like looking at them

If you go in that room
You’ll find seven starving Bulgarian orphans
That I’m holding as blackmail

I’m not really sure who’s going to pay the blackmail
Since they don’t have parents
Didn’t really think that through too well

God, this place is huge

That’s why I’m selling it
I really don’t need a place this large
For just me and my henchmen

All the henchies sleep in bunk beds
So they only need one bedroom
And if they don’t like it
I remove one of their limbs

Then I say—

‘Do you still feel crowded, Hugo?’

Tough love
That’s what you have to do

If you go down into the basement
You’ll find my stamp collection

And in the meditation room
Is all my torturing equipment
I just got this great new hair burner
And if you throw in some extra cash
I’ll give it to you for free with the—

Okay, well, I call it a hair burner
It may just be a hair curler to YOU
But that’s because you have no IMAGINATION

I suppose you think that interrogation room is a pantry
Just because it has cans of peas in it

WAIT!

Come back
I apologize

I didn’t mean to get snarky

Hmm?

Oh, no
You can’t have the swivel chair
I’m sorry, but it’s a family heirloom

…What?...

…uh…

Well, it’s only two years old
But heirlooms have to start somewhere!

The master bathroom is incredibly spacious
It doesn’t have a toilet
But that’s because I had my bladder removed
To make me superhuman

I can’t say the surgery was entirely successful
Due to the fact that I now cry urine

Needless to say
I avoid watching ‘You’ve Got Mail
Whenever it’s on
Which is ALL THE TIME

DAMN YOU TNT!
YOU DO NOT KNOW DRAMA!

Anyway

The house is a steal
Not that you can steal it
If you did I’d have to put you in the Chamber of Puppies

Oh sure
It sounds like fun and cuteness
Until I dress you up like their mother’s teat

By the way, the puppies are coming with me
When I move
But you can keep the chamber
Maybe turn it into a lounge?
A library?
Put spikes on the walls and make it another meditation room?

That’s what I love about this house

The possibilities are endless