Hansel Makes a Deal

Hey! Hey! Psst!

Quick, while Gretal's distracted
Making me borscht

Look, Miss Hag
You and I both know
I'm not getting any fatter

I mean, look how skinny my index finger is
If anything I'm getting skinnier
Maybe I'm diseased
That's probably why all my fingers
Smell like chicken bones

It might just be fast metabolism
Although some people in my family

Cough cough Gretal cough cough

Didn't get so lucky

Now, I know you wanted to eat a little boy
I know you had your heart set on little boy for Thanksgiving
But sometimes you have to really think about
What's practical

Gretal over there has been eating the lollipops off the bay windows
And as far as I can see, she's becoming quite the little porker

The problem is
She's not going to go quietly
She knows karate
Plus she bites

And if she's as hungry as she usually is
Taking her down might involve you losing a hand

So here's the deal

You let me out of this cage
And tell me and Gretal we're set free

I'll give her a big hug
And pretend to rejoice with her
Then push her
Right into the oven

Once I do, I'm going to run for it
Now you can try and catch me if you want
Or you can hang back and enjoy Gretal Gumbo
It's all up to you

I'm willing to take a chance on freedom
If you're willing to take a chance on a change
In the dinner menu

But this only works if you let me out of the cage
And stop trying to force feed me tater tots
At all hours of the night

I know this suggestion might make me seem heartless
But you're a child-eating witch, so I doubt you'll judge

Plus, if we still had those breadcrumbs
We wouldn't be in this mess
And despite what my sister says
I think her carb addiction played a much bigger role in the path's disappearance
Than any random woodland creature

I've seen her eat stovetop stuffing
It's not pretty

Anyway
That's the plan

You let me out
I push her in
And we see what happens

So...

Do we have a deal?

If so, shake my chicken bo--
I mean, hand

Shake my hand