Mrs. Brugel's Haunted House

Come along, girls! Come along!

You don't want to be late.

This is the scariest haunted house in town--if you don't count my Mother's!

Hahahahaha--that's a house full of haunted childhoods.

This one's more fun!

First, you walk into the haunted foyer. Where tacky furniture is strewn about with complete disregard!

Look at that hat rack! It's an antique. And it's placed right next to that modern writing table!

GAHHHHHH!!!

Who designed this foyer? Could it be...Dracula?

Let's not stay in here too long. We might end up putting Venetian blinds on a bay window! Hahahaha--moving along!

Now we're in the living room of terror!

Why is it so terrifying you ask?

Look around you.

That's a photo of me--Mrs. Brugel--back in my twenties.

Do you see me? Drinking? Cavorting? Wrapped around a man who might or might not be Steve Guttenberg?

This, children, is the living room of regret.

Nothing is more terrifying than regrets.

If only I had drank a little bit more, cavorted a little bit more, kept Steve Guttenberg's phone number--at least through the 'Three Men and a Baby' years.

Maybe I wouldn't be stuck teaching 3rd grade in a run-down town where my mother--

...uh...

Moving along!

This is the kitchen of dread! Everything in the fridge is expired! Oh sure, it says I still have a couple of days, but that's a lie children! Just like how the whole wheat pasta isn't really whole wheat. Just like how the pork loins are really goat meat.

The food companies are lying to us, children! They're lying!

Maybe we should call this the kitchen of lies.

Oh, but wait--then we'd have one too many rooms full of lies.

That brings us to--the bedroom.

This is where lies are made, children. Lies and babies, but in this particular bedroom, only lies.

This is where women promise you they're not having second thoughts about their sexual awakening. This is where men tell you that they'd be happy to put on a wig and use a high-pitched voice.

This is where you listen to her voicemail while curled up in a ball and swear you can hear another woman laughing in the background...

...Can you hear that, children? Can you hear the screams?

OKAY!

We're done here.

Who wants candy?