Play Carolina in My Mind

He used to sleep in the room next to mine
Where you could see the pine trees shake
You could hear the floorboards quake right under
The soft soled slippers

He'd trip up and call me
Whisper, to come
And I'd run down to docks
Past the too-fast turning clocks in the hall
Having a ball down by the water
And we'd wonder
If we'd have to go home
Once the lake turned cold

Guess I must be getting older
Cause all I want to hear is Carolina
Can you play 'Carolina in My Mind?'

He'd kiss me on the top of my head
Until the kisses went lower one night
And the moonlight hit my lips
Just before he did

I was a kid with four parents
And not one of them decent
Recent events prompting me
To come see Aunt CeCe for a summer
Thinking slumber parties could cure my mind
And maybe I'd find peace amongst the pines

But instead I wound up in September
Tied to beds with straps
Being read raps I can't remember
Watching embers of my swollen fire
Retire on heaps of diaries
Memories refusing to recall
And all the time humming

And that makes you crazy
Did you know humming makes you crazy?

So can you play Carolina?
Can you play 'Caroline in My Mind?'

I heard he was crazy too
That boy I loved
That boy like you
And you blended into him
Like the music bled into the sheets
And they couldn't beat the smile out of me
Hard as they tried

I lied and said it was immaculate
Because it might as well have been
A friend brought it to me
And I didn't want it to go
I hope I wouldn't show until October
When I could hide it underneath
My Halloween costume

But by September there was already no room
In my school uniform

So reform time came around
And off I went
To be pent up in small rooms
And regroomed for a life
Of civilized decadence
And singularity

Because who would want me
With a wild boy's baby?

I never heard what they did to him
But I'm imagining he was already away
By the time the phone call came

He was only there to put up the porch
And torch the treehouse that Mags used to play in
Before she went in too deep
And Aunt C went to sleep in her mind

I was going to name the baby Mags
Take a bag and go to Seattle
Where I hear he landed
But once I got better
I decided it wouldn't make sense
To show up empty-handed

So instead I dropped out
And started visiting city friends
Beginning again as a different kind of failure
Going to bars before I could drink
And thinking I was sophisticated
Beyond my marked up past

At last I found Seattle
And he wasn't here
I don't know where he is

So can you play 'Carolina?'
Can you play 'Carolina in My Mind?'

I'll tip you well
If for a second it prevents me
From dwelling on where
I should be going next

It's true what he says
Life sort of hits you from behind
So you have to point yourself
Where you're going
So when it pushes you
You at least go where you were looking
Where you kept your eyes

And what's locked away
Can stay that way
Things that are lost
Are meant to stay lost
They're not for me to find

All I want to hold onto
Is that song
Kept safe in my mind