You're Dealing with a Crazy Person

Before you say a word
Before a stupid, thoughtless
Dumbass word pops into your head
And out of your mouth
Before being looked over
By the half of your mind
That still has any damn sense
Let me remind you of something

You're dealing with a crazy person

I am not rational
I am not logical
I am not sane
By any stretch of the imagination

So keep that in mind
When you tell me
Why I didn't get this job

Keep in mind you are not dealing with somebody
Who can weigh the issues in their mind
And come to the conclusion
That it simply wasn't a good fit

Keep in mind you are not looking at someone
Who goes home every day, does deep-breathing exercises
And lets God take it all off my poor weary head

Keep in mind that you messing around
With somebody who sharpens knives for fun
And is now looking at you like a piece of ham
On Easter Sunday

Try to keep that in mind
Before you tell me
Why I didn't get this job

Do not think you can placate me
Do not think you can assuage me
Do not think you can propitiate me

Do not think I don't know every big word you know
And that any of them are going to delay
From getting to my goal
Which is getting this job

You're dealing with a crazy person
But crazy doesn't mean dumb
Keep that in mind

And if I see your hand reach towards that security button one more time
I'm going to twist around your fingers until they look like a venus flytrap
Security doesn't scare me
If they're going to remove me from a building
They're going to do it with broken arms
And severely injured groins

If I'm going down
I'm going down fighting
Which is, by the way
I think--

A good asset to have
In an employee

What if your office gets raided by pirates?
Who's going to take 'em down?
That secretary you got out front?
And break those press-ons?

Doubtful
Very doubtful

You need a little bit of crazy in this office
And that's what I can supply
That's the mission statement
On my resume--

'To crazy up this place and get it into shape'

And that place is this place
And that's why I'm getting that job

So stop looking at the door
Thinking you're getting by me
Because you AREN'T

And start talking about my starting salary
Which, by the way, better be competitive
Cause I have a few other offers on the table

But don't worry, sweetie
I'm loyal
I'm VERY loyal

You're dealing with a crazy person
But the crazy?

It's all yours