I Put Him on My Wall

I put him on my wall
And he tells me that one day
When posters become portals
To the world of dreams and candy canes
We'll be together

We'll be together then

I put him on my wall
When the floors got creaky
When I couldn't sneak out anymore
And meet my boyfriend
In his dad's car on Suntena Street
Near the outlets

Eleven o'clock is such a loud hour
Where floorboards are concerned

I put him on my wall
Because he looks like Fitch Green
My boyfriend, the One
The one who knew I was crazy
And loved me anyway

That's how you know it's love
You know it when it makes your insanity
A manageable condition
Rather than an ostracizing mutation

I put him on my wall
Because he seemed comforting
It wasn't anything sexual
I don't do anything sexual
Or feel anything sexual
When I look at him

He's just there
On my wall
Not judging me
Not asking me questions
Not wanting to know where I was
When I crawled back into my window
At four o'clock in the morning
Smelling like cheese fries and malt

It's not 1954
But God, I wanted it to be
I wanted it to be
Sooo badly

I put him on my wall
And he says that where he is
People do nothing but eat cheese fries
And sit in cars owned by their fathers
And hold hands and watch city lights
And dream of life outside of towns
Where the only perk
Is the proximity of the outlets

He says I can be with him then
And if I'm with him
I won't miss Fitch as much
Because there will be candy canes

And you can't be depressed
Surrounded by candy canes
It's just impossible

I put him on my wall
Because it says
I'm not dead yet

Dead people don't have posters
They don't have things to look at
They don't erect signs of hope onto their bedroom walls
Because they don't trust the walls
They don't believe that they're strong enough
To hold up that much hope

I put him on my wall
Because he has kind eyes
Because he has strong features
Because he has a firm smile

A smile that says--

'I will smile even while the world is collapsing into itself.'

I put him on my wall
In spite of life's transgressions
In spite of heartbreak
In spite of Fitch moving in two days
To Los Angeles

Where he will forget me
And our late-night dinner runs
To a diner two hours out of town

I put him on wall
In spite of that

I put him on my wall
And goddammit

He's going to stay there