Arnold's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

This is my final letter to you.

For one thing, I'm a little old to be writing to Santa.

Secondly, I specifically asked for you to make Breena fall in love with me, and she's still dating that moron Tobey.

If you can fly all over the world in one night, why can't you make one brainless teenage girl realize we're perfect for each other?

I realize God can't make people do things against their will, but that's why there's a Santa Clause!

Now look, I'm going to give you until New Year's Day, because my initial letter to you may have gotten lost in the holiday mail, but so help me, if Breena is not begging to run off to Vegas with me and be wed by Valentine's Day, I am defriending you on Facebook and deleting your contact information from my IPhone.

Sincerely,
Arnold Powers

Dear Arnold,

I tried my best with Breena, but she says Tobey is just way cooler than you. She says he understands her and that all you want to do is talk about hedge funds.

Arnold, aren't you a little young to be thinking about all this financial stuff? What if I just got you a new bike? Would that make you happy? Maybe one with a little bell you could ring?

Sorry, what am I saying? You're too old for that, but we made twice as many bikes as we needed this year, and now they're clogging up the factory, and Mrs. Clause is getting T-I-C-K-E-D off, Arnold.

You know, you shouldn't get married to Breena. Not just because both of you are about six years shy of being actual adults, but because women are nothing but trouble, Arnold. Life was simpler when it was just me, some reindeer, and thousands of elves with little green hats.

If you want, I could get you an elf--or an elf on a bike? Just an idea.

Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa,

I have no interest in your incompetence. If I wanted excuses, I'd listen to my mother ramble on about why we can't go to Bermuda next summer because she wants to donate more money to some sort of charity for children who don't have toes.

I want Breena to marry me so we can be the best power couple in school. If she doesn't, I risk losing control of my entire class, and I will not let that happen.

While I would welcome an elf, Breena is all I really need. Plus, the elf would have to be well-versed in algebra, since that is my worst subject.

No, I do not want a bike. My mother does not let me ride bikes because one time I fell off the bike and I still have flashbacks. You may send one along, but I will not be able to ride it until my PTSD subsides.

To review--send along whatever presents you like, but GET ME BREENA! Knock her over the head and leave her underneath the tree if you have to, just make it happen!

Sincerely,
Arnold Powers

Dear Arnold,

I tried to reason with Breena, but she put up quite a fight. She took out two reindeer and several elves, and by that time, I was running late and had to go to Switzerland and Nepal to deliver some yo-yo's.

I have, however, gotten you a doll named Crying Cathy and she's only a few feet smaller than Breena, so perhaps you can walk around school with her and tell people she's your exchange student girlfriend.

I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa,

Crying Cathy will not stop crying. I taped up her eyes, but now the water is pouring out of her feet like some sort of horrible blonde iguana.

You've failed me again, and I promise that THIS really will be my final letter.

I ask you for you love and you leave me with a broken heart and a doll that's flooded my closet with her fake tears.

Don't be surprised if there's a fire going underneath the chimney next year.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Sincerely,
Arnold Powers

Dear Arnold,

While I was at your house, I stole your IPhone. You probably haven't noticed because I filled that pocket of your backpack with coal.

Try getting back on my Nice list, and maybe next year I'll leave it in your stocking or just throw it down the chimney depending on my mood.

Until then, thanks for the cool present.

Sincerely,
Santa

P.S. Those kids in Nepal are wayyy nicer than you.