Melody in the Supermarket

Hello Jim?

Hiiiii, this is Melody

Melody Kramer

Your cashier

The one who works the night shift?

Oh, everything's fine here at the market

It's outside where things are a little...blizzardy

Have you looked outside, Jim?

Oh, what am I saying?

You're in Miami celebrating the holidays with your family
On some wonderful beach

While I'm here in the store
Making sure we stay open in case someone decides
They want to bake a cake
At two o'clock in the morning

Except tonight, even the crazy cake bakers are going to have to stay home, Jim
Because the Governor has declared a state of emergency

That means I'm trapped here in your supermarket
While the snow piles up outside

It might be weeks until I see daylight, Jim

But lucky for me--I'M IN A SUPERMARKET!

So here's what I'm thinking

I'm thinking I'm going to eat every single thing in this store

I'm going to go from left to right

First, I'm going to eat the produce

You'd probably want me to do that anyway
Since the power's probably going to go at some point
And after the generators give up
The produce is going to go bad first

So I'll eat the lettuce and the peppers
And then hop right up to deli
Where I'll gorge myself on meat

How am I going to cook it, you might ask?

Well, I could use the ovens in bakery
But instead, why don't I just light the cereal aisle on fire?

That'll be a lot quicker
Plus, it'll keep me warm

Once I'm done with the spice aisle

--Yes, Jim, I plan on ingesting entire shakers of salt, pepper, and nutmeg--

I'll move onto the magazine aisle
Where I'll eat Vanity Fair and mass market paperbacks

Then I'll skedaddle over to home goods
Where I'll make love to a crock pot
While stuffing my face full of cheeses from around the world

Sound like fun, Jim?

Do I sound crazy to you?

That's because right before I left my house
I watched that movie on tv
The one about the monsters that attack the world
And all those people get locked up in a supermarket
And the monsters get in anyway
And they eat that guy from Homocide: Life on the Street

Have you seen that movie, Jim?

Ohhhh well, trust me

IT'S TERRIFYING!

So to calm myself down
I'm going to eat every carton of ice cream in this supermarket
Topped with every can of whipped cream

And when they find me, Jim
I'm going to weigh eight thousand pounds
And they're going to have to tear down the entire supermarket
Just to get me out

And while they're trying to do that
I'm going to be popping those little rescue workers into my mouth
Like candy bars, Jim

LIKE CANDY BARS!

YOU LEFT ME HERE TO DIE SO YOU COULD SUN YOURSELF LIKE A BEACHED WHALE
YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!

. . . . .

Jim, I have to go

It's time for me to start eating the lettuce

I realize that I won't be getting Employee of the Month after this
But you know what?

I'm okay with that