Regarding My Large Ass

Regarding my large ass

I heard you commenting on it
As I passed by you just now
While I was headed to the dressing room
To try on some jeans

A not altogether pleasant experience for me

First of all,
I can't imagine my ass is all that unattractive
Since you seemed to not only recognize it
But comment on it

As to whether or not it's large

I suppose it is

But it's been my experience
That when men comment on how large a woman is
It's normally because they're trying to draw attention away
From how small they are

Regarding what you can do to my ass
Well, I am a lady after all

Otherwise I would instruct you to either kiss it, kiss your own
Or kiss the ass of the man standing next to you
I detect a slight air of homoerotic tension between the two of you
And since we are in American Eagle
There's a good chance I'm not far off

Regarding whether or not you've ruined my day
With your insensitive comment
I'd say my day is slightly tarnished
But my day is merely a mark on the overall graph of my life
And the lines on that graph are mainly in the upper quadrant
So I don't suppose I can complain very much

I can only imagine, however
That your life graph
Resembles the employment statistics
For an abandoned factory town
Or a deserted island

I would imagine that if we lined up your life graph
With a graph showing how often you have sex
The two graphs would look fairly similar

Again, these are all guesses

Regarding what I'm going to do with the rest of my day

I'll be buying those jeans
Because believe it or not
My large ass looked quite good in them

I'll then go home to my husband
Who enjoys my large ass very much
And make out with him on our couch
Right before we watch a movie
Or just enjoy each other's company

As to what you're going to do with the rest of your day
I couldn't even venture to guess

Perhaps just stand around a store
And continue to make nasty comments
Under your breath?

My, what a busy schedule you have

Well, I have to be off

I'd have left this note on a piece of paper
But I couldn't seem to find one

Luckily, you got out of your car in the parking lot
Just as I was getting out of mine

You drive a big car

Again, compensation, perhaps?

It's actually wonderful that it's so big
Because there was plenty of room to write this note
In the black permanent marker I keep on me at all times

I don't know just how permanent it is
But they weren't predicting rain today
So I imagine this note will be still be here
When you've finished your busy day
Of not buying anything
And cracking jokes
From behind the sales rack

Perhaps other women will walk by and see the note as well

In case that happens
And they have something they'd like to add
I'm going to leave the marker here

Maybe one of them will leave you her phone number

Oh, I'm sorry
That was a joke
A cruel joke, on my part
Because I'm nearly certain that won't happen

Jokes can be hurtful, can't they?

We have to be so careful
With our words

I'm sure after today
That's something you'll learn