It Always Snows in Foster Glocester

Okay, could everybody just sit down?

Sit down, there ya go
Thank you

Very nice

Sir, in the back?

Thank you

Now

My colleagues and I are here tonight
To go over our findings

We have spent the past ten years
Studying the area of Foster Glocester
To determine why it is
That is always snows there

We were commissioned to begin this study
Because of a previous study
Showing that all the children in Foster Glocster ten years ago
Were dumber than all the other kids in the state
Due to having more snow days, and subsequently, less school

One mother in particular begged me to begin this study
After she found her snow trying to kiss a pile of snow
She moved to Alaska, shortly thereafter
And she reports that it snows much less there
Although the people aren't all that much smarter

Now--

I am happy to report
That we have discovered
Why it always snows in Foster Glocester

You see, if you look on this map
That Foster Glocester is in the middle
Of what we scientists like to call--

A Shitty Geographical Region

These are regions where shitty things happen
Like the earthquake prone regions of California
Or the Bermuda Triangle
Or Murderer Town in Western Connecticut

If you live in these places, you should probably expect
To have a really lousy life

Yet because of overcrowding in the world
Or because our ancestors were gluttons for punishment
People insist on living in these godforsaken places

Just last week I saw an ad on television
Trying to raise money for people who lost their homes
In a tornado

These people live in Tornado Alley

Now, I'm a pretty sympathetic man
But it seems to me
That if you're living somewhere called 'Tornado Alley'
And your house is destroyed by a tornado
You might have had that coming to you

Just a thought

Anyway, that's our conclusion

It always snows in Foster Glocester
But the good news in
In the next Ice Age
The people from that region
May be the only people left alive in the New England area

Isn't that nice?

I think so

Any questions?