For A Vampire, I'm A Morning Kind of Person

You know what?

For a vampire,
I'm a morning kind of person

I had this roommate

Jars

Yeah, his name was Jars

European, or something

Anyway, he used to walk around
In this ridiculous jeans

So tight

Gave him major donkeytoe

Like cameltoe, but with a guy, you know?

Anyway, he was a night owl
Which initially was why we hooked up
I mean, met up
I'm not into that Lestat shit

Anyway

The first night we lived together
I'm sort of reading Bleak House in my room
Sort of, because, I mean
You don't really read Bleak House per se
You just sort of immerse yourself in it

And I was immersed in it
And then I hear this music coming from the living room

So I go out there
And it's Jars
Practicing his harmonica

And apparently he can only practice it late at night
Which is why he agreed to room with a vampire
That, and, he's allergic to garlic
So he feels safe with me, or something

I explained to him that even though I am nocturnal
That doesn't mean I enjoy hearing the harmonica
Played loudly in the middle of the night

So he apologized, and we were cool for a little bit

But then I realized it wasn't just the harmonica playing

Just having him there was like--

It was like having a Bible placed on your chest
While a priest prays over you
Trying to get the devil out

I walk to the kitchen
To get a raw pork kidney
And there he is
Sitting in front of the tv
Watching it
Enjoying what he's watching
Nodding along with things he agrees with

It just...bothers me

And I realized--

I'm grumpy

I'm a grumpy vampire

It sucks

I guess I've always been this way
I just never had anybody else around
To really bring attention to it

I feel bad, I mean--I presented a totally false image of myself to Jars

Plus, you know, I'm a vampire
What good does it do me to only be happy
When I start seeing the morning sun come through my blinds
As I'm pulling the lid down on my coffin?

It's totally me self-sabotaging my own happiness

I have pictures of sunrises
All over my room

Sunrises, crosses, pictures of holy water

Sometimes I buy garlic bread at the store just to look at it
But then Jars got freaked out
So I had to trash all of it

There's some serious shit going on with me

I'd see a therapist
But I'd only be able to schedule sessions
During Daylight Savings Time
And summer is when my seasonal depression
Really starts to kick in

I guess there's really nothing I can do about it

That's why I asked Jars to move out

I mean, it was either that or suck him
But then I'd never get rid of him
So I just told him
That I'm seeing someone
And they want to move in

He was pretty cool about the whole thing
But right before he left
He spilled an entire box of rice
Right on the kitchen floor

I was only about halfway done with counting all the grains
Before I realized I'd made the right choice