The China Cat

If you turn it around
You can see the mark on the bottom
The blue pencil marking
That indicates the price
The price in yen, of course
Not dollars

That price, ironically, is wrong
Yet because it's wrong
It elevates the actual price
Of the item

That's right

The wrong price makes the right price higher
Interesting, isn't it?


The China cat was not made in China
But the artist wanted his fiance
To believe it was

So he painted a number on the bottom
And it is a real number
Although whether or not he knew anything about Chinese currency
Or he was just a really good guesser
Is something nobody knows

What I do know
Is that there are currently three hundred fake China cats
Circulating throughout the world today

And this...

Is the real thing

And, as someone who has sold about eighty percent
Of those other China cats

I'm a little concerned

So, Mr. Hayden

I think we need to have a chat

Now, luckily for you
You don't seem to be fully aware
Of just how much money you could get
For an actual China cat

It border on priceless
Which is ironic
Because whenever you refer to a piece of art as priceless
What you're really saying
Is that you could price it very, very high

However

Were you to expose this to the general public
All of the pieces I've sold
Would be exposed as forgeries

And I can't have that, Mr. Hayden

So here's what we're going to do

I'm going to write you a check
For a lot of money

Now, it's not the exact amount you could get for the actual China cat
Because, to be frank, even I don't have that kind of money

And believe me, Mr. Hayden
I have a lot of money

But be assured, you will get a tidy sum
Much more than you would have gotten for it
If some asshole walked by your yard sale
And thought, Hmm, I like cats
Maybe I'll buy this little scuplture
And let it sit on my mantle until I die
Never knowing it's a piece of art history

What were you asking for it?  Three dollars?  Four?

I suppose I could have just bought it and walked away, Mr. Hayden
But then your lovely wife started talking about how she might want to keep it

By the way, how are you doing, Mrs. Hayden?

I hope the rope isn't tied too tight

I'll admit, I haven't done anything like this...in a few years

Anyway, I'm going to write that check
And then I'm going to take the China cat with me

And you'll be a lot richer than you were
And not dead--keep that in mind

I'd look at it as a win-win

Again, not as big of a win as it could be for you
But a win nonetheless

Once I'm done writing the check
I'll rough up this living room a little bit
And then I'll drive a safe distance from this adorable little house

Once I feel I've gone far enough
I'll stop at a pay phone
Make an anonymous call to the police
And have them come untie you

You'll tell them you were burglarized
But you will not tell them about the China cat
Or about me, or what I looked like

Tell them the burglars were wearing a mask

Because if you attempt to identify me
Or try to get the China cat back

I will have you killed

And when you see how much money I'm about to leave you
You'll understand that I have the power and the means to do so

So, if we're all clear, I'll get to writing that check

Oh, don't look so upset, Mr. Hayden

You're about to become a very wealthy man

Try to keep that in mine
Or else I'll just have to cut your eyes out

For insurance