The Polar Bears

My buddy Jeff bet me
That I wouldn't go swimming with the polar bears

Not the actual bears
But the guys who jump in the freezing cold water
In the middle of winter
Just so they can feel alive
Or some shit like that

I said, 'Jeff, how much you going to give me, you cheap bastard?'
He said, 'I'll give you twenty bucks.'
I said, 'Go screw yourself.'
He said, 'Your mother already did.'
I said, 'Was that while I was at your house banging both your sisters?'
He said, 'I'll give you twenty-five.'
I said, 'Fine'

So I put on my little speedo briefs
The ones I like to wear around the Y in the summer
Gets me all the little swim instructors

Someone asked me why I don't wear trunks

I said, when you got a big screen tv in your living room
Are you going to throw a tarp over it?

Nah, you want people to see it
You see what I'm saying?

So there I am
In my speedo
On the dock
At 8am in the morning

The minute I take my jeans off
My balls go running up into my throat

I can feel 'em bouncin around in there
Like I'm a human pinball machine

Then they say--

'Time to go in the water, boys!'

And I'm thinking--

Maybe I should have asked Jeff for thirty bucks

But before I can think anymore
I'm in the water

I want you to imagine Frosty the Snowman's girlfriend
Frostina, or whatever the fuck
Climbing on top of you
And smothering you in all her snowwoman love

That's what it felt like being in that water

It felt like somebody stuck my ass in a freezer
Next to the ice cream and the dead lizard
You forgot to bury
When it died back in July
And you didn't feel like digging it a grave

What? Am I alone in that?

Anyway, there I was
Sinking like a stone
Tied to a mob informant

And I thought to myself--

SWIM, YOU STUPID ASS! SWIM!

So I started swimming

At one point, I looked down at my little speedo
And all my gellitania had broken off
And made a run for the shore

Next thing I know
Someone's pulling me out of the water onto a boat

It was Jeff

He'd been watching me from a row boat
Sipping a beer
And laughing his ass off

Then he saw me pass out
And he figures he better pull me out of the water
Otherwise he'll never know where I left the keg
I borrowed from him

Jeff, I said
You saved me

Hey, he said
That's what buds are for

Yeah, I said
Hey, you know what
Keep your money

Really?
Yeah, it doesn't seem right for me to take it since I pushed your ass in the water

Since you--

And that's when I pushed him off the boat

Best twenty-five bucks I ever spent