The Ride Down Roberts Hill

At the top of Roberts Hill
You could see my buddy Luke
Pissing his pants
And eating his own snot

Roberts Hill had broken him

It was a snow day
It had snowed more than two feet
And that meant
We were up on Roberts Hill
Where boys become men
And other boys become women

Luke was now a woman
Without the boobs
Which is extra sad

He got all the way up here
After being egged on
By my sister
Who had gone down Roberts Hill
Seventeen times

More times than any of the neighborhood boys

Luke asked her out
And she said--

'If you go down Roberts Hill, I'll tell everybody we made out.'

That was enough to get Luke up Roberts Hill
Maybe if she'd promised to actually make out with him
He'd have gone down

Instead I was up there with a sniveling vegetable of a person
Looking down the scariest hill at history
With the entire neighborhood down at the bottom
Yelling up support to me

I can still hear their chants--

'Don't-be-a-pussy. Don't-be-a-pussy.'

How could I let them down?

I put Luke on the back of my sled
And tied him down like a sack of flour

'Luke, hang on,' I said

He looked at me and said--

'Tell my mother I died for my country.'

Then I shoved us off the top
And we went down

The first bump you hit down Roberts Hill
Sends your balls up into your stomach
Where they nestle in
And wait a few days
To come back down

After going down Roberts Hill
It was clear to me why my sister
Was the only one who could do it multiple times

I sounded like a canary for days after that sled ride

The second bump you hit makes your liver punch your kidneys in the face
Like--Bitch, you're kidneys. Don't be acting like that!

That kind of punch

The third bump is the Jesus bump
Because when you hit that bump
You go four feet in the air
And the rumor is either you see Jesus or you die

I didn't see Jesus, so I started screaming
And that's when Luke started yelling

'THE BOMB'S IN THE SUITCASE! THE BOMB'S IN THE SUITCASE!'

When we came down from the third bump
We were still alive
But we still had to maneuver around the rocks
And it was hard to do that
With Luke behind me
Asking if it's true that when you die
You get an erection

I told him if he got an erection before he died
I was going to kill him anyway

We finally made it down the hill
And when I felt the land beneath me level out
I jumped up and into the arms of a crowd of fans
All chanting my name

'DUMB-ASS! DUMB-ASS! DUMB-ASS!'

Because you have to be kind of a dumbass to go down Roberts Hill

When I turned around, I saw Luke sitting there
Looking like he'd just found out the girl he liked is a dude

My sister walked up to him and said--

'I can't give you full credit because my brother did all the work, but if you want, I'll tell people your dick's only half-crooked.'

He shook his head, and she walked away

I felt bad for him, so I sat down next to him on the sled

'We did it, Luke. We went down Roberts Hill'

He looked at me and said--

'Does this mean we're men? Because I still don't feel like a man. Do you?'

I said--

'I don't know. It's hard to feel like a man when your balls are swimming around in your lungs.'

That might not have been the day I became a man
But that was the day I felt closest to my best friend

And if that's what I got out of going down Roberts Hill
Then it was worth it

It was worth the whole ride