Paulina Explains Where Snow Comes From

Children, come gather round Auntie Paulina
Is her day off from pornography store
Where she is hard worker
To make dirty perverts and filthy sluts
Gasp for joy at sight of gratuitous pinunu and booshnita

Auntie Paulina does not go into work
When it is snowing
Because of age-old tale
Of where snow comes from

Have you heard age-old tale, my little nieces and nephews?

No?

That is because your mother thinks she is full-on American woman
Complete with job and closed up booshnita
No longer open for business

This is why your father ran off with slut from godless town of Smithfield

This is fine
Because Auntie Paulina went to her house
And marked it with a red 'X'
Which in old country means--

Here lives a woman
With abnormally large feet

This means she is gypsy
And doing bootnitsky with her
Will turn you into small rabbit

But this is neither here nor bear
I am to tell you story from old country
About where snow comes from

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who wanted to get married

But the woman he loved
Would never come inside long enough
For him to hold her down and marry her
Against her will
As is tradition

She wouldn't come inside
Because back then
Old country was always sunny
And warm

For days on end
The temperature would be a beautiful
Thirty-seven degrees

When the man realized that the woman
Was never going to come inside
He prayed to the Lord
To make it so that the woman couldn't stay outside

And because God loves man more than woman
Because God is also man
And old and white and straight and angry and rich
He sided with the man
And made it snow

So the woman was forced to come inside
But rather than marry the man
She stabbed him to death with a slotted spoon
And remained a spinster until she died a lonely death

See? Happy ending! Is comedy!

Is funny because stabbing someone with slotted spoon
Is a comical thing to watch
And a very difficult thing to do

You must work at it
And even then sometimes the political prisoners
Manage to get away
And then you have to go looking for them and...

...Any of the how, that is where snow comes from

Now, who wants to hear about how Auntie Paulina
Learned to make borscht?

It is a tale that involves Stalin, Julia Child, and a lust-filled night in St. Petersburg that lingers in the soul...

Ah, it is true what they say

Stories are meant to be passed on